


Hold On, I Was Never That Strong

by egoanesthesia



Series: One More Kiss, Never Say Goodbye [10]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Boys In Love, Crying, David Rose Loves Patrick Brewer, David Rose is a Nice Person, Dreams, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Parent Death, Patrick Brewer loves David Rose, Sleepy Cuddles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:54:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29199453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/egoanesthesia/pseuds/egoanesthesia
Summary: Patrick has a dream where his mother is still alive and he's shaken up by it. David comforts his fiancé.Kiss prompt 39: Kissing tears from the other's face
Relationships: Marcy Brewer & Patrick Brewer, Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Series: One More Kiss, Never Say Goodbye [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1850806
Comments: 20
Kudos: 70





	Hold On, I Was Never That Strong

**Author's Note:**

> hi friends!!
> 
> wow okay so this one is heavy... um for those of you who know me, my mom died when i was 16 and for some reason my brain has decided to drag up all of this trauma the last few days so i wrote this. it is fully based off of an actual dream i has two nights ago, so it's a fully self-indulgent fic!!
> 
> please let me know if there should be any additional tags or warnings!!
> 
> thank you ppl_holdon for reading and editing this for me <3
> 
> Fic title from Heaven (Little By Little) by Theory Of A Deadman; series title from All Or Nothing by Theory Of A Deadman. 
> 
> Enjoy!! xx

_ "I'll be ready in a minute, grab the baseballs and gloves kiddo!" His dad calls down the hall. _

_ "Sure thing, dad!" Patrick replies, setting down the dish towel he'd been using to help dry dishes, before heading out of the kitchen and towards his bedroom. _

_ Something is different today. He's been living here his entire life, but there's something off about it today and he just can't quite put his finger on what it is. _

_ Perhaps it's just because the house is quieter? His mom has been out of town for a few days... some work thing probably? He honestly can't remember the details; all he knows is he misses her like hell. So what if he's sixteen, he just wants a damn hug from his mother, what's so wrong about that? _

_ As he makes his way towards his bedroom, there's a knock at the door. "Want me to get it?" he calls to his dad. _

_ "I've got it, son," Clint replies, walking in the direction of the door.  _

_ Patrick continues on to his bedroom, taking in the familiar surroundings of the home he's spent his sixteen years of life in... still, something is different today. _

_ As he approaches his bedroom door, he notices that it's cracked open and the light is on. Patrick takes a few cautious steps closer and pushes the door open enough to allow him to step into the room. His closet door is open, partially obstructing his path upon entering the room, so he steps around it carefully to investigate the ruffling sound is coming from inside. _

_ He sees a familiar figure hanging up one of his shirts and moving some plastic bags around.  _

_ "Mom?" he whispers confusedly. He hadn't heard her come in. _

_ "Patrick, my sweet boy, I missed you!" Marcy says, shutting the closet door and turning to face him. _

_ "Mommy! I missed you so much!" Patrick cries, throwing himself into her arms as tears rush down his face. _

_ He tightens his grip around her. Something still feels off, so he seeks out as much comfort as possible from the embrace that has held him close since the second he was born. He's sobbing now, shoulders shaking with every inhale. He can smell her perfume, floral and light; quite literally the smell of his childhood.  _

_ He doesn't know what happens next, but something shifts. The feeling of his mom's embrace gets fainter as he gasps for air. He tries, and tries, and tries so fucking hard to just hold on for one more second... _

Patrick gasps as his eyes fly open and he sits up in bed. He rubs his hands roughly over his face before tangling his fingers into his sleep-tousled hair. He squeezes his eyes shut, trying to drown out the blaring noises in his brain.

He rakes his hands through his hair a few times and slowly opens his eyes, scanning the room for the first time since he woke up from the dream. Confusion takes over as he registers that he is, in fact, in his childhood bedroom; the walls still painted blue, the baseball trophies lining the top shelf of the bookcase, Blue Jays and band posters on the far wall... all so achingly familiar yet, wrong.

This isn't his apartment. 

As Patrick's mind races to comprehend what the hell kind of cruel joke the universe must be playing on him right now, he feels a gentle hand on his bicep.

"Honey, are you okay?" David's soft voice breaks through his thoughts.

Patrick's gaze snaps towards where David's voice came from. It's dark in the room, but he could recognize those shiny brown eyes and beautiful features anywhere.

He must take too long to reply because he feels David's hand gently rub up and down his arm and his soft, concerned voice whisper, "Patrick? What happened?"

He doesn't know how to say it. It's been  _ years  _ since he'd had dreams like this about his mom. Honestly, he can't remember a time outside of the month or so after it happened that anything like this has occurred. He knows David though - sweet, caring David, is waiting oh-so-patiently for him to answer. 

Patrick takes a deep, shaky breath to gather up all of the strength he possibly can, then slowly turns to face his fiancé.

"Da-David... I  _ miss her- “ _

It's all he's able to get out before he chokes on a sob and collapses into David, knocking both of them back on the bed with the force of it.

"Oh honey, I know. I know you do. It's okay, I'm here, I've got you. You're gonna be okay," David whispers against the top of Patrick's head. 

David's arms wrap around Patrick, pressing their chests together and tangling their legs under the sheets. Patrick continues to sob into his fiancé's neck, his entire body shaking with the intensity of it, while David places soft kisses anywhere he can reach and cards his fingers through Patrick's hair.

"Patrick," David starts, his voice soft and low so that it's just enough for his fiancé to hear.

Patrick looks up slowly, meeting David's eyes for the first time since they'd woken up. Patrick's eyes are red-rimmed and watery, tears still tracking down his face. David's aren't much better.

"It's okay if you don't want to, but would you like to tell me what happened, honey?" David says, pressing a kiss to Patrick's forehead.

Patrick inhales shakily. He wants to tell David, wants to lean on him for comfort. This dream has led Patrick to the shocking and sudden realization that maybe he really isn't as okay as he thought he’s been for years.

"Um... I don't remember a whole lot of the beginning but I was sixteen I think, in my dream. And my dad told me to get something from my room so I walked in and the closet door was open... and my mom was..." Patrick cuts himself off with a sob, snuggling further into David's embrace.

David pulls Patrick in as close as possible, leaning down to press tiny kisses along his fiancés hairline. He has never seen Patrick this torn up about his mom.

Back when they first became friends, Patrick had mentioned that his mom had passed away when he was sixteen. David had apologized profusely for even asking about his family, but Patrick had smiled and assured him that it was okay. The next time they talked about it was after the dreadful barbecue and David's olive branch lip sync. They were cuddled up in Patrick's bed at Ray's and had finally decided to unlock the boxes of their pasts. David again tried to tell Patrick he didn't need details, but Patrick had just said "I want to tell you about her, she would've liked you" and David couldn't find it in him to stop him.

Over the entire course of their relationship, David has definitely seen Patrick cry and mourn his mother. He's not stupid. He knows grief doesn't just vanish when you meet the love of your life, but Patrick really had seemed to be okay until tonight.

"She was there putting my clothes away, like she always did. And I couldn't believe she was there so I threw myself at her in a hug and as I was hugging her I woke up... David, I could still feel her," Patrick whispers the last part, voice breaking as he lets out a sob again.

David feels as if the air has been ripped from his lungs. He cannot even begin to imagine what that did to Patrick... to have such vivid images and feelings right in front of you of someone who isn't alive anymore, someone you miss so deeply, just to have them ripped away again.

David maneuvers himself so that he is sitting with his back against the headboard and Patrick sprawled on top of him. He cards his fingers through Patrick's hair as Patrick sobs, and sobs, and sobs into his chest.

Neither of them are aware enough of the time to know how long has passed once Patrick's sobs have finally subsided and gave way to soft sniffles.

"Fuck, I'm sorry about all that," Patrick says, snuggling himself further into his fiancés embrace.

"Patrick, honey, you don't have anything to be sorry for. It's okay to feel things."

"David, it's been sixteen years... she's been gone half my life, I should be handling this better," Patrick says self-deprecatingly.

"There is no expiration on this one I'm afraid, my love. You can take as little or as much time as you need."

"I was fine for sixteen fucking years though, David! Why now?" Patrick protests, tears welling up in his eyes again.

"Honey, maybe you weren't as okay as you thought you were. Maybe it was your brain's way of protecting you when you were going through so many other things too. Brains have a funny way of making trauma resurface at random times," David says, softly cupping his fiancés face between his hands, wiping tears with his thumbs.

He meets David's eyes; they're full of love and understanding, and that's what it takes to break Patrick.

He sobs for sixteen year old Patrick who went to school one morning, and got out of his mom's car without knowing it'd be the last time he'd ever speak to her.

He sobs for the same kid who held his unconscious mother's hand in the ICU two days later, sobbing by her bedside and screaming to anyone or anything out there to just let her be okay. And again for the boy mere hours later, crumpled on the floor, sobs racking his lanky body as the words "mom's gone, bud, she's gone" play in his brain on fucking repeat.

He sobs for the boy who cried for days on end as he buried his mother and fielded hugs, condolences, and questions from mostly well-intentioned family and friends.

He sobs for seventeen year old Patrick who walks across the stage at his high school graduation, looking out for his parents in the audience and seeing an empty chair where his mother should be.

He sobs for eighteen year old Patrick who moved four hours away to get his business degree and just wished for one fucking second he could hear his mother say "I'm proud of you, my sweet boy" when he tells her he got an A on his finals.

He sobs for twenty-two year old Patrick, and again for twenty-four year old Patrick, who walked across the stage at his university, first to receive his Bachelor's degree, then his MBA and again wished for nothing more than to see his mother standing next to his father cheering him on.

He sobs for twenty-eight year old Patrick who was so lost and confused, in a strained relationship with Rachel again and trying to convince himself that proposing was the solution to their arguments and breakups and just wanted to call his mom to help him think it all through.

He sobs for twenty-nine year old Patrick who broke off his engagement and ran away to Schitt's Creek because nothing was going right and he needed to get the fuck out of the town where reminders of his mom and Rachel were everywhere.

He sobs for who he is right now, Patrick who has finally met the love of his life and is living a life he's so fucking proud of. For this Patrick who is engaged to David Rose and has never been happier and all he wants to do is tell his mom about David, to have her meet him and say "see mom, you must've done something right if someone as amazing as him could love me." To have her tease him back in that beautiful motherly way she always did.

And he sobs for David, his sweet David, who never got the chance to meet the wonderful force that was Marcy Brewer. Who never got to experience one of her hugs or her home cooked meals. Who doesn't get a mother-in-law out of this marriage, all because of that godforsaken day when the universe decided to take Patrick's mother away from him.

"Patrick, honey, I need you to breathe with me before you pass out," he hears David's gentle, worried voice break through the whirring in his mind. David takes a few exaggerated breaths in and out, waiting for Patrick to follow his lead and calm his breathing.

Once Patrick has calmed somewhat, David cups his fiancés face and tilts it up slightly. Their eyes lock onto each other's and David leans forward, gently pressing his lips to various spots on Patrick's face to kiss away the tears and whisper words of comfort against his face.

_ Kiss.  _ "You're okay honey."  _ Kiss. _ "I love you so much."  _ Kiss. _ "She's so proud of you."  _ Kiss.  _ "She loves you so much."  _ Kiss.  _ "I'm right here and I love you."  _ Kiss.  _ "You're gonna be okay."  _ Kiss. _

David pulls away slowly, his hands still cupping his fiancés jaw. 

"Thank you, David. I love you," Patrick whispers, his voice rough and wet from crying.

"I love you so much, Patrick. You're gonna be okay," David says, kissing him gently on the lips before tucking him further into his side. "You ready to go back to sleep?"

"No... I don't think I can handle it if I have another dream about her right now," Patrick says softly, his hand slipping under David's sleep shirt and resting against his fiancé’s stomach.

"Okay, then let's just sit here for now. If you need anything, let me know honey," David says softly, dropping a kiss to the top of Patrick's head before shimmying them both back into a lying position under the covers.

"Thanks baby, you always know what I need," Patrick whispers, tucking his face into David's neck and dropping a kiss onto his favourite spot there.

"For you, my love? Anything, anytime."

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so so much for reading this!!  
> Comments/kudos are a writer's best friend xoxo
> 
> Feel free to come chat with me over on twitter and tumblr (egoanesthesia)!!
> 
> I'll end by saying wear your masks, practice social distancing, and remember Black Lives Matter!!
> 
> Cris xoxo


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